I have the heaviest of hearts.
I have heard from God.
Some may not believe me, some may question me, but in my heart of hearts I know it was God.
I am hesitant to even write this because even as I am confident, I always shy away from throwing God’s name on things for fear of using His name in vain. I never want to claim His Word carelessly or recklessly.
But I know He spoke to me.
It was not what I thought.
Any of you that have been reading my little blog know this journey I have been on has not been a simple one.
Any of you that have spoken to me in the last month know it has not been an easy one.
I thought I knew.
We all have been called to do things.
Some of us are training to walk in it, some of us are walking in it, some of us are figuring out how to walk it. But we all are called to do something.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am called to work with kids.
I thought I knew how that would look.
I have learned a lot about how it does not look for me right now.
As you know I became a foster parent.
So confident that I was going to rescue some poor soul and give them a new life.
It would be magical.
(all you foster and adoptive parents are laughing right now)
I knew it would be difficult.
And it was from about day 5
I thought I could totally handle it.
And on the surface I did.
But inside, under the surface, I was a mess. constantly.
I prayed, I fasted, I begged, I read every inspirational verse and quote known to man.
I sought counsel. I complained. I gave myself pep talks.
Things would be better for a couple days, yet still I had an uneasiness in my gut. My mind was never at peace, my spirit was constantly unsettled, my bowels were well lets just say far from normal.
I have never been so very much at the end of myself so many times.
It culminated in one morning being unable to move and making a trip to Prompt Care (the cheaper version of the ER).
Where I sat and cried as the Doctor confirmed what I had feared: it was from stress and although he could give me meds to calm me it would not go away until something changed.
For the next 72 hours I prayed, fasted, talked to my closest friends and family, called seasoned foster moms, read my Bible feverishly, and made lists.
That’s when I heard from God.
Through His Word, through the words of my trusted loved ones and in my spirit.
Some burdens are more than we can carry. Sometimes we must “flee” when we fear for our life. (no it is not that bad, but these were the verses I found)
So I made the call. I had to let my little girl go. I was no longer the one to care for her.
As soon as I made this decision I had an overwhelming sense of peace rush over me.
But this couldn’t really be what God wanted so that peace must just be my selfish side feeling relief. God would never ask me to quit would He?! I must have heard just what I wanted to hear.
So even though I was confident in what God said, I immediately started to doubt. Because God wouldn’t say this.
One of the saints of a foster mom said this to me: “she is not yours to save, that is for God to do”
Nail. On. The. Head.
I cannot tell how many other nuggets of truth I heard from those I trust. (incredible people I tell you!)
It has been 11 days since I made that call. and I still have my little girl.
If I thought it was difficult before it has only been increased. Because now I struggle with feelings of guilt, feelings of impatience, feelings of doubt, feelings of incompetence, feeling like a quitter, feeling so very empty.
Jesus has given me what I need for each day. And for that I am overwhelmingly grateful. And that His mercies are new each morning because most mornings look impossible for me.
I need your prayers. I am physically spent. completely used and dry.
Yet I have no word when this little girl will be moved. I have unending frustration from lack of communication which has heightened my feelings of yeck.
I need your prayers.
We are called, I thought I knew what mine looked like. Now I understand more of what it is I am called to.
Perhaps down the road I will take in another wounded soul.
But in 5 weeks I will be reaching into the lives of 90 kids in the calling I am confident and alive in.
Until then I must wait for this one to find a new home. For my body to heal. For my spirit to be restored.
I need your prayers.
Because I have a soul in my charge that I am struggling to properly care for and she deserves the best.